I took this cross to baby Paul’s grave today for Christmas. Below is my original post from 2016 about baby Paul.
Can’t see the forest through the trees.🌳
I tell myself that starting with the New Year I will learn to slow down and take a moment to see what is in the world around me. Living in the present is what it’s called, to take note and of what is around you and learn from it, value it, an awareness of time.
Now there are two things I have learned about living in the present. The first is if you are a parent raising children you are living in the moment ALL the time, the only problem is you are so busy that you barely have time to appreciate a shower much less “the moment”. The second it is so much easier to live in the now and appreciate the world around you when you are older and have finished raising your kids.I experienced one small example of this the other day.
Two of my brothers, my stepfather , and stepbrother are all buried in a small area of a local cemetery. I have been visiting and decorating their graves for various holidays for over 20 years. I know every section of that cemetery, every tree, every new grave. When I visited the cemetery with a friend to place some of my holiday memorial crosses on the graves my friend ask me if this baby’s grave was a relative. Baby grave? What? I looked at the stone that was inches away from my family and read the dates; birth June 16 1895, death July 6, 1895. It’s not that I hadn’t noticed the grave before. I noticed it was old, alone, and it had a male name inscribed. I had also noticed how close it was to my family graves. In 20 years I had never stopped once to actually read the marker. I was somewhat embarrassed to admit to my friend that I had never noticed it. My mother would call that not being able to see the forest through the trees. In other words, we are so busy with our own little world that we don’t acknowledge what is around us.
The next time I go I think I will bring along an extra cross for that baby I never knew or took a moment to see.
My family members, as it happened, passed on or near holidays, Christmas time, Fourth of July, my wedding anniversary, New Years Eve, my birthday. It’s not like they planned their deaths to occur on days that would be a constant reminder of their deaths that’s just the way my road in life lead.
I had children that I was raising so I kept my thoughts about this “holiday passing” to myself and refused to let the holidays be anything but happy for my family. It was hard, but not painful to the point I couldn’t function, that would come later.
It’s funny how we can fill our lives and our minds to distract us from our troubles. I told myself that I was a strong person and that I carried on for my kids and their happiness, after all you can’t walk this earth wounded very minute of every day, right?
This is what I learned the hard way…..
Distractions are just that, they keep you busy but you don’t heal. I woke up one morning and my kids were grown and thriving in the world and I looked around for someone I knew and that’s when the grief and pain of losing everyone came down on me like a wave of nausea. It was Christmas time and I fumbled through crying to myself everyday and not understanding why. Grieving, although it might make others uncomfortable, is necessary part of our human function. When we grieve we are aware of our loss and the changes it will make in our lives. When we choose to be the strong soldier our grief will find its way out of our bodies sometime in some form whether we want it to or not.
If you are grieving then carry on and don’t worry so much about others feeling uncomfortable around you, you can always apologize later if you want. Distractions are just that – distractions – not because you are super human or emotionally untouchable it just means you are choosing not to deal with something at that particular moment.
Grief will come, it’s just part of who we are as humans.